you know, so much has gone on with me lately. my head hurts. im breaking out. i know its cause of stress.

my dad. he's been in prison since i was a little girl. maybe since i was 4 or something. even then i have only a handful of memories of him and to be honest, there are some pretty bad ones in there. growing up i only heard stories about him. honest stories from my mom. he was a good man with a history. he had bad habits and was a smooth talker.

i didnt know him. he just made me. then he left. so years later, hes out. i remember getting the news that his parole had gotten approved. i was at work and i cried. i was happy and scared. i didnt think hed ever come out. i was kind of excited about it.

the night he came home he called me. we talked and he was crying and apologizing for not being there for me. he told me that if he was there it would have been worse for me. i agree.

the day came to meet him. i was so nervous. i took a shot of whisky before i left the house. i even made my mom a mix drink and shes not a drinker (anymore). i saw him and he gave me a hug. i didnt cry.

i remember him looking at me and my mom. asking us questions. it was ok. since then ive seen him maybe 5 times. he stopped calling me yet he continued to call my mom weekly. that hurt. i was a little jealous but i figured he knew her better than he knew me. but she would tell me that he wanted to be with her, he wanted her help with money. it was crazy. and she wasnt interested.

anyway, as of now and the past couple of months, he doesnt call. it hurts cause he told me that he felt uncomfortable talking to me. he told me that he didnt want to talk to me. he was being honest but it still hurts. im angry about it and im trying not to live that way.

when he was in prison i lived my life with no worries. now it sucks. i wonder whats wrong with me that not even a prison inmate would want to talk to me. im his daughter. how come men can make children but then leave? why is it ok to not have 2 parents? why is having a dad such a privelege? i dont know what to think.

i do know that i never thought my mom and i could be closer. now i just appreciate her so much more. how can a woman raise 5 kids on her own? my mom is beautiful and shes my everything. my dad, hes my dad. nothing more. i just need to accept that.

moving on!

im in love. i just honestly cannot believe that i found such a great guy. i deserve him. i do. but i feel insecure sometimes. i know my family isnt the brady bunch but i love my family. theyre good people. but they all have a past and history that im not proud of. so i feel like raymond is scared of that or something.

i love him. i want to have a family with him. but im so scared. i feel like a kid still. just having fun. you know, when my brothers were all my age they had kids. i have none and i probably wont for another couple of years. its not urgent. i want to get married first. im happy here at home with him. we laugh everyday, he hugs me and loves me so much.

i love love love his family. everyone of of them. theyre all so nice to me. when i was younger ali brought me around his family and i felt weird around them. i didnt like or even want to be around his family or even hug them. i remember he got upset with me cause i wasnt friendly with his family.

now, im part of raymonds family and the BEST part is i can be myself. nice, silly, social and cracking jokes. i love them for making me feel so welcomed. i like that his sister is cool and we're like friends. she has some annoying habits but shes a cool person. and i love his dad. hes what real dad is like. i know raymond will also be a good dad.

i want a family of our own but i honestly enjoy spending time with him. just us. when we want to we spend time with friends and family. i think this xmas we're staying in. and speaking of staying in, i have to document this.

our valentines day this year was divine. he was sick and we went to the hospital that morning to get him looked at. they prescribed him some meds and we went to the pharmacy and came home. it was cold out that day. we were in our jammies all day, cuddling, watching movies and in the evening he made us some yummy steaks on the grill. it was so nice.

raymond is such an energizer bunny. he keeps going and going. he cant even sleep in. :)

so when he stays in bed and just chills its so nice. i love him.

school is ok. i have a year left. im also currently in summer school and its a little stressful. but im making it. i feel like i'll never graduate but im so close. i just hope everything is ok.

and finally some good news. my mom. she bought a house. she BOUGHT a house. its a little unreal. she never thought she could do it but she did and its like seeing her accomplish a dream. this is her time to shine and its never too late. she truly is amazing.

oddly enough im having a rough year.

it started out great. i got hired at USAA and that was flattering and a big deal. i was there long enough to get a taste of the perks but i failed my licensing test and i was let go. it sucked. and the same week i lost my job i lost my car. shibby. my focus was dead. i was driving and the guy turned in front of me so i hit him. although i hit him it was still his fault.

thats still a headache and a stress since im still in a lawsuit over it. we'll see what happens. i was in physical therapy but im good now. it was just stressful and my car was almost paid off too. damn! so now i got another car. a 2009 scion and i have to start over with payments and my car is little. i was hoping to get an suv. one day i suppose. so im not 100% in love with my car. i associate that car with the accident and it sucks.

GOD! i know there are other more important issues going on in the world but im just stressed at whats been going on. 2009 isnt my year. my dad, the car, my job. and my new job sucks now too.

im a teller again and a bank that is so slow. its dreadful. thankfully my coworkers like me and we all get along but my manager is an ugly person in every sense of the word.

anyway, im gonna wrap it up. the worst is behind me and honestly theres so much to look foward to .

i feel this heaviness in my chest thats been there all morning. i had a huge test today and i wasnt prepared enough even though i studied. it hurts it hurts and i feel like a loser cause i kept telling myself i wouldnt pass.

im not one for positive affirmations but i was an emotional mess. if i was prepared i wouldve been more confident. i just feel so bad and i want that pain to go away.

work is great and i want my job so bad but i have to pass the next time! i have to. and i need to prepare.

my body feels hollow. i came home after a good time at veronicas baby shower. and i was excited to tell ray the details. he was at his grandmas house and when i got home he told me how it went. well his sister got engaged a couple of days ago. she sent ray a text to let him know. my heart dropped.

i just felt for myself. ray and i celebrated our 6th valentines day together yesterday and his sister hasnt been with her boyfriend for not even 3 yrs. but they have a baby together. shes a completely different person than me and although i can honestly say i dont judge her, hes made decisions in her life that i wouldnt.

regardless, i knew that eventually she would marry her boyfriend so it wasnt a huge shock. but in my world, 4 people that are good friends have all gotten engaged recently and yea...its like missing a train. everyone is all aboard and im watching them leave while i stay and watch them go.

yes im a little jealous but its more than that. i doubt myself. am i ugly? am i wife material? mom material? does he want to be with me? am i "the one" for him?

it just sucks doubting myself.

today his sister asked him "was elizabeth pissed [about the engagement]? and he said "yea!!" so she replied "yea, thats why i didnt text her."

wtf?! first of all that is the second time that raymond has done something so stupid like this! i was not "pissed" at all and for him to tell his SISTER that i was hurts. and it hurts to know thats what she thinks about me. i was left out of something important cause she thought i was pissed. and he told her she was right

im feeling pretty stressed and bummed today. ill blame it on pms. truth is i woke up, showered and checked my sites as usual. i checked my myspace and saw that gwen is now engaged. shes like 12!

so is V. theyre both college grads (like fresh out of college) and now engaged. god! im not gonna lie, im jealous. i shouldnt be but i am. V knew her boyfriend about 6 or 7 months and then theyre were pregnant and engaged.

gwen went to HS with jonathan but technically, theyve been dating not even a year! whats going on?! ive been with ray for 5 years. eh...shake it off shake it off.

its not like we'll be married by next year or anything. im just scared. i dont know why i let that stuff bother me.

speaking of marriage, joe and rosa. so much drama i cant even explain. in a nutshell theyre both followers. if someone is doing something, theyll do it too. trends, careers, clubs, personal desicions. theyre so easily influenced. ive always had short hair rosa always had extensions. now the short bobs are in and she cuts all her hair off!

when ray left ssfcu for usaa, joe followed and not only that but joe asked ray to see his resume, joe copied it verbatem and turned it in as his own. i told rosa ray was looking at buying a house. she was surprised and now...they rushed into buying a house!

we had a 3 way, i told rosa and they had 6 three ways! shit! its so disgusting. joe has a wandering eye and rosa allows it. shes so submissive and joe is a manipulator. ray and i are nothing like that. our "encounter" just happened. it wasnt planned or anything. and them...joes recruiting girls and its nasty!

i hate hearing about their life cause its so fucked up. its like a druggie. you cant changed unless you want to. i felt so thankful for my life and then i see gwens myspace/ engagement announcement. so that brought me down a little

that on top of financial situations. the holidays are coming up and im stressin. i need money and or a part time job. im freaking out! i keep fucking myself over and im tired of it. thats my downfall. thats what i need to work on but unlike other people im around, i acknowledge the problem and i know i need to change.

anyway, thats my rant. im pissed and i need to get over it and focus. school is ok. i want to graduate already. fuck!

there is no such thing as perfection in a relationship. i know this. and why should there be? there would be no excitement or passion.

but honestly, i feel yucky about it.
he gets in these moods and he walks around with this face. its ugly and makes me want to leave. its not often but it happens monthly.

sundays are long for him. he wakes up early and goes through the day without a nap and then he stays up late because his tradition is that he does laundry on sunday nights.

so by 8pm hes so grouchy even though he was super fun in the afternoon.

its 10 and he hasnt talked to me,and when he does its a condinsending insult in a rude sacrcastic voice that makes my heart sink.

did you still want this pineapple?

no i resond.

GOOD! he says as he walks to me and shows me the moldy pineapple. get it in my face so i dont miss it.

hes like a moody woman. it sucks

i only write when im upset but lately with these journal topics, i broke that habit. and i actually have good stuff to report.

ive been so stressed about getting into summer school. today i had a much anticipated meeting with graciella lopez and she put me at ease. 1) i will officially be going to stmu for summer school which is what i wanted. i thought i would have to settle for sac. boo! so its all paid for and i'll be ok. 2) i have to take 6 hrs. i thought i'd have to take all 6 hrs in summer I but its not true, i'll be taking 3 hrs each summer session. im glad. 3) i feel more motivated than ever to go back to school. i have this office where i can study at home. i have a good job that allows me time off to go to class and still make enough money to get by. and then being off for a whole semester really put things into perspective. i cant take anyone or anything school related for granted. i need to work for what i want. i believed that for so long so im not sure why i let myself get into this position.

and i know raymond will make sure im focused. hes great.

we're going to the beach this weekend. im glad. he needs to get away and so do i. i can go on and on about the vacation but all i can say is its much needed time off.

i think this is it for now. im excited.

honestly, i look forward to the weekend but lately, we feel like crap by sunday. why? all we do is eat. its almost 4pm on sunday and i feel full from thursday.

i had jambalya leftovers and a burger meal from sonic. friday i had a sandwich, pizza, and chachos. saturday i was still full from the night before. ugh. raymond and i made a huge mothers day breakfast for his mom and sister. chorizo and egg, potato and egg, biscuits, tortillas, sausage, bacon, fruit, pastries, and hashbrowns. actually, now that i think about it, we didnt get to make the hashbrowns. damn.

well we had a huge breakfast and saturday night we took my mom out to eat for mothers day. i had a chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and fries.

i had those leftover this morning for work. see? see how much crap i ate.

what a lovely topic. i have so many good memories. since im her only girl (oout of 4 boys she had before me) i think i was spoiled. no matter how much we struggled financially, i never went without anything i wanted or needed. she is amazing.

i remember being younger and she worked so hard. i think during my middle school years i was the biggest pain in the butt. now, now that im on my own and living away and out of her house, we've become so much closer. we talk on the phone daily, i see her a few times a week and we hang out and do stuff. she still spoils me and takes me shopping. its cute. but i enjoy this time with her now. i guess its true. absence makes the heart grow fonder. when we spend time its the best time and those things i do with her now are my favorite memories in the making.

i suppose i did. on my way to work i passed by pappasitos and there were tents, lights and it looked like a mini fiesta. i was jealous. oh and half price fajitas which is nice considering pappasitos is expensive (so much that the one time we went we looked at the menu and walked out).

after work i went to HEB and bought some chips, guacamole dip and salsa. then i went to target and got some margarita cups. so when raymond came home from work, he had a nice cinco de mayo treat and the game was on.

it was nice if i do say so myself

i always shake the sheets. there's always some crumbs or debris on the sheet and its impossible for me to sleep and feel these things in bed. so i shake off all the sheets.