saturday morning i sent a text to raymond and talked to him about shopping for engagement rings. by that night i had thrown my candle holders into the sink and broke them out of anger.

am i like a dumbass who cant express anger so i throw stuff? i never did before and this is not a habit. i threw them cause in my head i was like "whats the point? fuck xmas!" no need to go over the drama that caused this.

all i can say is now my heart hurts. im scared ill get my heart broken and when he looks at me in that horrible way he does sometimes it just hurts.

funny how emotional feelings have physical side effects.

a look he gives me pierces my my chest. ive had a broken heart before and it hurts. it stings. and when he does things, it reminds me of how vunerable i am. i have this exterior about me. i talk the talk, can be a little agressive and yet im so sensitive. i cry.

with him, i feel like its been 6 yrs and we both make mistakes. but if its the same ones, the same issues, then what do i do?! i dont want to be that girl who nags and bitches. if i have to tell him to change, then that contradicts all those times i told him that i love him the way he is.

for the most part, i do love him. but he hurts me. he makes fun of me several times a day. over and over again. my hard shell can take the jokes at my expense but after the hahas, i hurt. i tell him. but within the hour, he makes fun of me again.

i like a sense of humor but i dont want to be the butt of his jokes. i want to feel loved. i want my man to come to me, to hug me. raymond does that but its pretty limited. i get a hug in the morning when i sleep. after that, i ask for affection and he makes it clear that he doesnt want to hug or kiss me.

im shutting down. i dont even have energy to fight back and argue my case. its the same arguement. just a different day. same issues that wont go away.

funny how we were talking about marriage, kids, rings and now im in bed with a note on the door that says leave me alone.

im tired now. i dont think itll change.

my heart hurts today. my brother has been in the army for what seems like forever. he went to kuwait during desert storm in the 90s and was scheduled to deploy last year to the middle east. thankfully, he had a serious hurnea preventing him from going.

so hes been working in the ER on base at ft hood. well on a normal day, my mom and i decided to call in and spend the day together. hours into our day we find out my brothers army base went under attack when a soldier opened fire and killed up to 15 people and injured up to 30 people.

ern was working in the ER and helped the first two victims. by the end of the night he called us, told us he was devasted and his clothes were covered in blood.

its so scary. the families of those who were lost. to know that something so serious and crazy could happen by another soldier.

in other news, ive been thinking about my dad. he was in prison for over 20 yrs and got out not even a year ago. but for most of the year hes been back to his old habits. doing drugs, drinking, probably scamming women. i took it so hard when i realized he wouldbt come back into my life.

even if he tried, i couldnt let him. and my words would go over his head. i let him have it last spring. i saw him falling into those old habits and i told him to get his shit together cause hes at a position where we can help him but hes pushing us away.

i feel like hes mad at me. like i upset him so bad that hes scared to talk to me.

im hurt and very vunerable. my heart still hurts

i have only a hand full of memories of my dad from when i was a little girl. some are good. one that stands out is the day he built me my sand box. i remember everything from going to builders squar to get the lumber and pulling up to this alley looking place to get the sand.

then he left. he was a former prisoner, out of jail for a few years, on drugs and drinking, a womanizer. when i was about 4 he messed up and left for good. i never saw him once he went back to prison. my mom and i attempted a road trip to visit him but i made her turn around.

hes been back since december 2008 and ive only seen him a few times. he stopped calling me altogether despite his apologies for missing out on my life and promises of being there for me this time around.

i truly believe he has good intentions and he wants to be in my life. but what he knows is drugs, women, hustling jobs to get money and being a smooth talker. thats what he went back to and at the age of 26, i find myself again fatherless. i dont feel bad for myself. i know i missed out on having a father my whole life but what i feel is angry.

im angry cause i was so naive to believe that he would get his act together, be a man and rebuild a relationship with me. i was excited that he would see me graduate from college, he might have walked me down the aisle at my wedding and he'd be at the hospital to see his first grandbaby.

now, i fear he'll end up in prison again or worse. i also feel guilty that i cant help him in the way he needs to be helped. he needs a job, money, a home and to be taken care of like a child. he is literally building his life from the ground up. im sure many inmates who make parole are faced with the challenge of getting back on their feet. some are blessed to have families support their efforts. my dad too had a family when he came out but he alienated us and now hes on his own.

i havent heard from him and all of a sudden after a good day i get a voicemail from him. he was in tears about his current state of being, he was emotional, had no direction but still lets me know he loves me and that hes sorry.

i was just caught off guard about the reality that is life. my life and his. i dont know if i should trust him and let him in. part of me wants to take care of him but part of me reminds myself that hes a stranger and he can hurt me again.

i come from a family where each person has their own issues and history. since we're family i know everyones story and its there are some things that they are not proud of. i know im not proud to come from a family where some people had or have drug problems, are dependent on government assistance, they scam IRS to get more money for their kids at income tax time, they are religious when they need to be, they all gossip. ugh! its disgusting to think of that bad stuff but honestly, i still love them.

the good thing is that since im the youngest in my family i have been able to see all of the hardships and i learn from that. i just want to be happy. i do miss my dad or the idea of a dad but who knows? one day i may get to experience that.

you know, so much has gone on with me lately. my head hurts. im breaking out. i know its cause of stress.

my dad. he's been in prison since i was a little girl. maybe since i was 4 or something. even then i have only a handful of memories of him and to be honest, there are some pretty bad ones in there. growing up i only heard stories about him. honest stories from my mom. he was a good man with a history. he had bad habits and was a smooth talker.

i didnt know him. he just made me. then he left. so years later, hes out. i remember getting the news that his parole had gotten approved. i was at work and i cried. i was happy and scared. i didnt think hed ever come out. i was kind of excited about it.

the night he came home he called me. we talked and he was crying and apologizing for not being there for me. he told me that if he was there it would have been worse for me. i agree.

the day came to meet him. i was so nervous. i took a shot of whisky before i left the house. i even made my mom a mix drink and shes not a drinker (anymore). i saw him and he gave me a hug. i didnt cry.

i remember him looking at me and my mom. asking us questions. it was ok. since then ive seen him maybe 5 times. he stopped calling me yet he continued to call my mom weekly. that hurt. i was a little jealous but i figured he knew her better than he knew me. but she would tell me that he wanted to be with her, he wanted her help with money. it was crazy. and she wasnt interested.

anyway, as of now and the past couple of months, he doesnt call. it hurts cause he told me that he felt uncomfortable talking to me. he told me that he didnt want to talk to me. he was being honest but it still hurts. im angry about it and im trying not to live that way.

when he was in prison i lived my life with no worries. now it sucks. i wonder whats wrong with me that not even a prison inmate would want to talk to me. im his daughter. how come men can make children but then leave? why is it ok to not have 2 parents? why is having a dad such a privelege? i dont know what to think.

i do know that i never thought my mom and i could be closer. now i just appreciate her so much more. how can a woman raise 5 kids on her own? my mom is beautiful and shes my everything. my dad, hes my dad. nothing more. i just need to accept that.

moving on!

im in love. i just honestly cannot believe that i found such a great guy. i deserve him. i do. but i feel insecure sometimes. i know my family isnt the brady bunch but i love my family. theyre good people. but they all have a past and history that im not proud of. so i feel like raymond is scared of that or something.

i love him. i want to have a family with him. but im so scared. i feel like a kid still. just having fun. you know, when my brothers were all my age they had kids. i have none and i probably wont for another couple of years. its not urgent. i want to get married first. im happy here at home with him. we laugh everyday, he hugs me and loves me so much.

i love love love his family. everyone of of them. theyre all so nice to me. when i was younger ali brought me around his family and i felt weird around them. i didnt like or even want to be around his family or even hug them. i remember he got upset with me cause i wasnt friendly with his family.

now, im part of raymonds family and the BEST part is i can be myself. nice, silly, social and cracking jokes. i love them for making me feel so welcomed. i like that his sister is cool and we're like friends. she has some annoying habits but shes a cool person. and i love his dad. hes what real dad is like. i know raymond will also be a good dad.

i want a family of our own but i honestly enjoy spending time with him. just us. when we want to we spend time with friends and family. i think this xmas we're staying in. and speaking of staying in, i have to document this.

our valentines day this year was divine. he was sick and we went to the hospital that morning to get him looked at. they prescribed him some meds and we went to the pharmacy and came home. it was cold out that day. we were in our jammies all day, cuddling, watching movies and in the evening he made us some yummy steaks on the grill. it was so nice.

raymond is such an energizer bunny. he keeps going and going. he cant even sleep in. :)

so when he stays in bed and just chills its so nice. i love him.

school is ok. i have a year left. im also currently in summer school and its a little stressful. but im making it. i feel like i'll never graduate but im so close. i just hope everything is ok.

and finally some good news. my mom. she bought a house. she BOUGHT a house. its a little unreal. she never thought she could do it but she did and its like seeing her accomplish a dream. this is her time to shine and its never too late. she truly is amazing.

oddly enough im having a rough year.

it started out great. i got hired at USAA and that was flattering and a big deal. i was there long enough to get a taste of the perks but i failed my licensing test and i was let go. it sucked. and the same week i lost my job i lost my car. shibby. my focus was dead. i was driving and the guy turned in front of me so i hit him. although i hit him it was still his fault.

thats still a headache and a stress since im still in a lawsuit over it. we'll see what happens. i was in physical therapy but im good now. it was just stressful and my car was almost paid off too. damn! so now i got another car. a 2009 scion and i have to start over with payments and my car is little. i was hoping to get an suv. one day i suppose. so im not 100% in love with my car. i associate that car with the accident and it sucks.

GOD! i know there are other more important issues going on in the world but im just stressed at whats been going on. 2009 isnt my year. my dad, the car, my job. and my new job sucks now too.

im a teller again and a bank that is so slow. its dreadful. thankfully my coworkers like me and we all get along but my manager is an ugly person in every sense of the word.

anyway, im gonna wrap it up. the worst is behind me and honestly theres so much to look foward to .

i feel this heaviness in my chest thats been there all morning. i had a huge test today and i wasnt prepared enough even though i studied. it hurts it hurts and i feel like a loser cause i kept telling myself i wouldnt pass.

im not one for positive affirmations but i was an emotional mess. if i was prepared i wouldve been more confident. i just feel so bad and i want that pain to go away.

work is great and i want my job so bad but i have to pass the next time! i have to. and i need to prepare.

my body feels hollow. i came home after a good time at veronicas baby shower. and i was excited to tell ray the details. he was at his grandmas house and when i got home he told me how it went. well his sister got engaged a couple of days ago. she sent ray a text to let him know. my heart dropped.

i just felt for myself. ray and i celebrated our 6th valentines day together yesterday and his sister hasnt been with her boyfriend for not even 3 yrs. but they have a baby together. shes a completely different person than me and although i can honestly say i dont judge her, hes made decisions in her life that i wouldnt.

regardless, i knew that eventually she would marry her boyfriend so it wasnt a huge shock. but in my world, 4 people that are good friends have all gotten engaged recently and yea...its like missing a train. everyone is all aboard and im watching them leave while i stay and watch them go.

yes im a little jealous but its more than that. i doubt myself. am i ugly? am i wife material? mom material? does he want to be with me? am i "the one" for him?

it just sucks doubting myself.

today his sister asked him "was elizabeth pissed [about the engagement]? and he said "yea!!" so she replied "yea, thats why i didnt text her."

wtf?! first of all that is the second time that raymond has done something so stupid like this! i was not "pissed" at all and for him to tell his SISTER that i was hurts. and it hurts to know thats what she thinks about me. i was left out of something important cause she thought i was pissed. and he told her she was right

im feeling pretty stressed and bummed today. ill blame it on pms. truth is i woke up, showered and checked my sites as usual. i checked my myspace and saw that gwen is now engaged. shes like 12!

so is V. theyre both college grads (like fresh out of college) and now engaged. god! im not gonna lie, im jealous. i shouldnt be but i am. V knew her boyfriend about 6 or 7 months and then theyre were pregnant and engaged.

gwen went to HS with jonathan but technically, theyve been dating not even a year! whats going on?! ive been with ray for 5 years. eh...shake it off shake it off.

its not like we'll be married by next year or anything. im just scared. i dont know why i let that stuff bother me.

speaking of marriage, joe and rosa. so much drama i cant even explain. in a nutshell theyre both followers. if someone is doing something, theyll do it too. trends, careers, clubs, personal desicions. theyre so easily influenced. ive always had short hair rosa always had extensions. now the short bobs are in and she cuts all her hair off!

when ray left ssfcu for usaa, joe followed and not only that but joe asked ray to see his resume, joe copied it verbatem and turned it in as his own. i told rosa ray was looking at buying a house. she was surprised and now...they rushed into buying a house!

we had a 3 way, i told rosa and they had 6 three ways! shit! its so disgusting. joe has a wandering eye and rosa allows it. shes so submissive and joe is a manipulator. ray and i are nothing like that. our "encounter" just happened. it wasnt planned or anything. and them...joes recruiting girls and its nasty!

i hate hearing about their life cause its so fucked up. its like a druggie. you cant changed unless you want to. i felt so thankful for my life and then i see gwens myspace/ engagement announcement. so that brought me down a little

that on top of financial situations. the holidays are coming up and im stressin. i need money and or a part time job. im freaking out! i keep fucking myself over and im tired of it. thats my downfall. thats what i need to work on but unlike other people im around, i acknowledge the problem and i know i need to change.

anyway, thats my rant. im pissed and i need to get over it and focus. school is ok. i want to graduate already. fuck!

there is no such thing as perfection in a relationship. i know this. and why should there be? there would be no excitement or passion.

but honestly, i feel yucky about it.
he gets in these moods and he walks around with this face. its ugly and makes me want to leave. its not often but it happens monthly.

sundays are long for him. he wakes up early and goes through the day without a nap and then he stays up late because his tradition is that he does laundry on sunday nights.

so by 8pm hes so grouchy even though he was super fun in the afternoon.

its 10 and he hasnt talked to me,and when he does its a condinsending insult in a rude sacrcastic voice that makes my heart sink.

did you still want this pineapple?

no i resond.

GOOD! he says as he walks to me and shows me the moldy pineapple. get it in my face so i dont miss it.

hes like a moody woman. it sucks

i only write when im upset but lately with these journal topics, i broke that habit. and i actually have good stuff to report.

ive been so stressed about getting into summer school. today i had a much anticipated meeting with graciella lopez and she put me at ease. 1) i will officially be going to stmu for summer school which is what i wanted. i thought i would have to settle for sac. boo! so its all paid for and i'll be ok. 2) i have to take 6 hrs. i thought i'd have to take all 6 hrs in summer I but its not true, i'll be taking 3 hrs each summer session. im glad. 3) i feel more motivated than ever to go back to school. i have this office where i can study at home. i have a good job that allows me time off to go to class and still make enough money to get by. and then being off for a whole semester really put things into perspective. i cant take anyone or anything school related for granted. i need to work for what i want. i believed that for so long so im not sure why i let myself get into this position.

and i know raymond will make sure im focused. hes great.

we're going to the beach this weekend. im glad. he needs to get away and so do i. i can go on and on about the vacation but all i can say is its much needed time off.

i think this is it for now. im excited.

honestly, i look forward to the weekend but lately, we feel like crap by sunday. why? all we do is eat. its almost 4pm on sunday and i feel full from thursday.

i had jambalya leftovers and a burger meal from sonic. friday i had a sandwich, pizza, and chachos. saturday i was still full from the night before. ugh. raymond and i made a huge mothers day breakfast for his mom and sister. chorizo and egg, potato and egg, biscuits, tortillas, sausage, bacon, fruit, pastries, and hashbrowns. actually, now that i think about it, we didnt get to make the hashbrowns. damn.

well we had a huge breakfast and saturday night we took my mom out to eat for mothers day. i had a chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and fries.

i had those leftover this morning for work. see? see how much crap i ate.